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Article 1 - Article 2 - Article 3 - Article 4 - Article 5 - Article 6 - Article 7


Article 5 - What you offer a Dominant



Many people think BDSM is bondage or CBT or spanking. Actually, bondage, CBT, spanking and so on are activities. BDSM is a way of handling power and control. The activities aren't BDSM, BDSM is what allows the activities to happen. There are people who have difficulty getting this distinction, which means there are people who have difficulty finding BDSM relationships. Here's how to not be one of them.

Many submissives approach potential dominants this way. "Hello, Mistress. My name is Chip. I'm submissive. I like bondage, CBT and spanking." If Chip is lucky, the dominant won't say what she's thinking, which is, "How nice. Go away."

To offer submission is to offer your personal power and will. What you like will interest your dominant when you're in a relationship but giving her that information right off the bat doesn't increase your appeal as a submissive. Instead, it says that you see her as someone to satisfy your wants rather than as someone to whom you might surrender power. This is definitely the wrong message to send.

Chip, the eternal optimist, goes away and decides to try a different tack with the next dominant. To her he says, "My name is Chip. I want to please you." Now, the obvious response here is, "Duh."

It would make no sense for a dominant to accept the surrender of someone who wanted to make her life miserable. When you identify yourself as submissive it's a given that you want to please. Stating the obvious isn't the best little conversation starter.

But our Chip insists on courting disaster rather than a dominant. To be absolutely sure that he shoots himself in the foot he adds, "I have an eight inch penis." Oh, lord. Who the hell cares? It's not like we're from the Guinness Book.

The mistake many submissives make is to try to separate parts from the whole and offer the parts. Most dominants aren't looking for parts. Your penis isn't all that different from most others, nor your desires. What's unique, what makes a dominant select one submissive over another, is an individual's personality, his skills, his talents and the way all those things come together.

If you want to be successful in your search for a dominant, spend only some of your time imagining bondage or perfecting your acceptance of spanking. Spend lots of time thinking about the surrender that makes those things possible. Your desire to submit is what distinguishes you from vanilla. What you have to offer a dominant is your willing surrender of control. Start with that as the foundation of your offer, then flesh out your offer with the things that make you who you are. Your humor, your talents, your skills, your interests, plus your submission are what you're offering. It's a package deal.


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